Shawn: Good morning detectives, collecting money for the Policeman's ball?
Lassie: We don't have balls.
Shawn: I honestly have no response to that.

- - - - -

Lassie: I thought I told you no.
Shawn: But your eyes said yes.

- - - - -

Shawn: Oh, you mean my pilot's license? That's out back in the Cessna. Or perhaps you're referring to my license to kill. Revoked. Trouble at the Kazakhstan border. I could give you the details but then I'd have to kill you, which I can't do because my license to kill has been revoked.

- - - - -

Lassie: I need to get something off my chest.
Shawn: Is it your shirt? Please say no.

- - - - -

Lassie: I'm not going to let you just waltz around here like some kid in a candy store.
Shawn: Let me tell you something - I've worked in a candy store, and it was nothing like this.

- - - - -

Gus: You named your fake detective agency Psych? Why don't you just call it 'Hey, We're Fooling You and the Police Department, Hope We Don't Make a Mistake and Someone Dies Because of It'.
Shawn: Because Gus, that name is entirely too long, it would never fit on the window.

- - - - -

Gus: Shawn, this misplaced malevolence you have for the spelling bee is getting monotonous. Stop hating on the Bee. I'm sorry, ma'am; I do apologize for his inappropriate virulence.
Shawn: Why are you using all these big ass words all the sudden?
Gus: I'm not doing that. That's preposterous.

- - - - -

Lassie: Can I tell you a secret?
Shawn: I wouldn't recommend it, no.

- - - - -

Jules: Detective Lassiter is literally on fire.
Shawn: What kind of fire are we talking about? Michael Jackson in the Pepsi commercial fire or misusing the word "literally" fire?

- - - - -

Shawn: You're mad.
Gus: No, I'm not mad. I'm happy. I'm thrilled. I love looking like an idiot.
Shawn: Well, that explains your shoes.

- - - - -

Lassie: Need I remind you, Mr. Spencer, what happens when you interfere with a police investigation?
Shawn: Uh... the case gets solved?

- - - - -

Lassie: If I find you anywhere near this case, I will throw every book I find at you.
Shawn: What if you find the Bible? You gonna throw that too? Seems a little sacrilegious to me, don't you think?

- - - - -

Lassie: For your edification, the reenactment of the ba...
Shawn: Edification?
Lassie: Yeah, edification.
Shawn: Is that legal? Like, in public? Public edification's legal?
Lassie: It means "for your information."
Shawn: Well, why didn't you just say that?

- - - - -

Lassie: I am breaking about fifty codes of police procedure just by talking to you about this.
Shawn: Aargh! Code! That is your biggest problem!
Lassie: Oh, it's my problem?
Shawn: Just once, can you grab life by the little Lassiters and follow your instincts? I know you don't like my methods. I know you don't like ME. But we are pressed for time, and I'm telling you, I am vibing like crazy! Can we screw protocol and get the hell out of here?
Lassie: You take shotgun.
Shawn: You are so sexy right now!

- - - - -

Gus: Let me go first. I'm more stealthy.
Shawn: In your dreams.
Gus: I'm as graceful as a gazelle, Shawn.
Shawn: You are not!
Gus: A jackal.
Shawn: Dude, a jackal is not graceful. It's like a rabid, vicious badger.

- - - - -

Shawn: Kudos on the childrearing. Let me know how the therapy goes.

- - - - -